This is my journal of the past year. I’m typing this exactly as I wrote it – so some parts may not make sense. It was truly a brain vomit of thoughts. Pretty sure I was also numb writing this. Now I’m just broken.

There is no filter but some names have been changed.

Possible triggers when you get to the end.

10/8/2021 – I said it was ok and I would be fine. I LIED. I don’t know if I can do this without you. Why did you leave? We were supposed to grow old together.

10/22/2021 – Sometimes I feel guilty moving stuff and getting rid of clothes. I wonder if it is my way of keep busy now that you aren’t here? There is so much stuff. Everyday I question did I make the right decision. Did you just need more time?

10/23/2021 – Nope this isn’t real.

10/25/21 -Where did you go? I need your hands. I need you to touch me. I need your hugs.

10/26/21 – Not trying to remove everything from the house of your’s but I feel guilty giving anything away. Outwardly I seem fine and maybe I seem cold hearted but I’m breaking inside. Where are you? Why aren’t you here?

10/28/21 – Been a few days, still trying to figure this out. Night seems to be the worse – right around 8 pm. Cats won’t leave me alone. I walked into the bedroom and smelled you – hope that was you. Hope you aren’t mad I’m getting rid of stuff. Tossing my stuff too. Guess this is the ‘great purge’. Love you

10/30/21 – So watching TV and a line came on “Wanted things to be normal before they weren’t” Is that why you fought for 3 weeks – to get me used to this new normal? Did you hold on as long as you could to help me to come to terms with this mess. All the people who have dropped away now that the drama is over (your friends) were they friends or just selfish ‘righteous’ people. They can judge me all they want with my choice but my life is the one changed forever. Everyday I need to fight and they can just go on without dealing with the loss of you. This is my fight – my struggle to get thru each day.

10/31/21 – Made it thru today. You were never out of my mind @ least no tears.

11/8/21 – Look almost a month on my own. You came to me last night. It was a fleeting touch but at least I could pretend I was being held. I honestly thought you snuck in and that you were in hiding the past month. It felt so good to feel you. I wish it could have lasted but of course reality stepped in. I don’t know if I will ever accept this. Please come again.

11/9/21 – Why did you leave me alone? This hurts so bad.

11/15/21 – I felt your lips last night….soft supple – come spend the night with me. I’m done giving stuff away – what is here stays. Love you. Come again.

11/17/21 – So I bought a new car. Had a meltdown before trade in which made me late to leave. It was a feeling of dread. Was it you? There was an accident on the way and I would have been in it if I left on time. Were you protecting me? The feeling of dread passed after about 10 minutes. I’m going with you were helping me. I hope I can look at your picture again. I love you.

11/19/21 – time for the daily cry. Talked to Marie B today. She helped a bit. At least I had 5 minutes of not feeling guilty about everything. Not my guilt to carry.

11/25/21 – No Maker’s Mark ham for the cats today. I know you don’t want me to hurt but I miss you. PS you would be so mad at the mess I made on the floor painting.

12/6/21 – Lots has happened. I zoomed a grief group with Cancer Bridges. I’ve cried at the Night of Remembrance. I cried reading your medical records (over 1000 pages of your last weeks). Really don’t see where this will stop. 2 months still not any easier. Please come see me tonight. I need you.

1/6/22 – It has been a month since I wrote you. I haven’t forgotten you, I just have a hard time wanting to do anything. I have stuff I need to share but I can’t cuz you aren’t here. Fred (name changed) is sick with Covid. I guess he is getting a difficult time from work – I told him he could vent to me in place of you. He misses you. I think you were a mentor or a dad to him.

You were in my dream last night – all fuzzy & see thru. You took my hand and kept shaking your head. I think I asked if you didn’t have strength to fully visit – you nodded and looked sad. I don’t know if that was just me trying to explain to my heart why you aren’t here or the truth.

I talked to Kerrie (name changed) – she lost her boyfriend last year too. She has a type for men who ride bikes. See what you are missing. I was on a grief call last night and there are people still broken after a year. I better be in a better place in a year. I barely made it through Christmas. Our 25th Anniversary is going to be the end for me. Trying to convince Katt to go to Disney with me. Was going to say talk soon but that won’t happen. I love you.

1/12/22 – So new crazy thing. It has happened twice. I have a dream where you are still with me. I mention in my dream that you should be gone (I can’t say the D word yet) and you tell me the doctor lied and you are still alive. Last night it went so far as you telling me my “dream” was real – not the one where you aren’t here. I think it was because I read a book about a women who went through an entire life during a covid coma and I’m kinda hoping that is happening with me and that I’ll wake up and there you are. Or these dreams are because I can’t let go and you are afraid to finally move on – I’m keeping you here. I really miss you.

1/30/22 – I went out yesterday. I went to the Pompeii thing @ the science center. I like to think I felt your hand when I went in. I cried but still did it. I think I’ve used the snowblower more times this month than years we have lived here. Lydia is crazy. She won’t stop obsessing over the red dot. Fred is finally feeling better. Bill (name changed) kept his promise and his sending me on a trip. Katt and I are going to Disney together for our 25th anniversary. I don’t want to take anything away from her but it sucks that she finally gets Disney but doesn’t have a father. WTF – starting to melt down. Got to go.

I think it is time for you to visit me again. I may be able to do this without you but I don’t want to. I love you and wish you were home with me. ‘Death would be the only thing that would tear us apart. Now I am standing on the edge of the unknown’ – If I knew I would be with you again – I would jump.

4/6/22 – So I had a dream of you last night. You were in the hospital but I got a hug. For a second I was content. I want to think you are trying to reach out to me. I just want to feel your lips and lay on you again. I know you don’t want me to mope and are probably hurting that you can’t help me. I’m trying but it is so damn hard. I need you and you never should have left me here alone. I’m trying not to be pissed that you didn’t fight more – I guess now it is the finality that is slowly killing me – I don’t get a happy ending this time. It isn’t getting easier – I just want to feel you.

4/24/2022 – Here is a new one. I went to a dance studio and took a dance lesson. I was a mess. I went out in public and had to socialize – I felt so bad for the instructor they put me with. He had no idea what he was getting into with me – you and I both know I’m not the easiest to get along with on a good day. He has the lost me. I wish you could have been with me. I don’t know if I will go back. What do you think? It is getting so close to our Anniversary – don’t know how to handle it. I know most people did not think we would make it 25 years – even we wondered a few times. It sucks that we can’t be together.

4/26/2022 – Happy Anniversary from Disney.

5/5/22 – So I met a medium last night but you know that. She was on point about to much for it to not have been you. The clincher was the comment on weird toes and nails – you were the only one that knew they drove me crazy. She did give me something to think about – as much as this is hard – it may have been the better option then what could have been. You never wanted to be a burden and maybe you felt that would happen if the cancer took you in the future. When she said “How did fuckin covid get me” I knew it was you because you said those exact words many times in your last few weeks. I love you and still only want to be with you.

Oh, how did you like your trip to Disney? It made Katt’s day. Pisses me off that losing you was the only way to get there but maybe it was your gift to her.

6/15/2022 – Did you see my stray cat strut dance? After it was done I saw pictures and I thought I looked like a little old lady – I was like what happened to me. I’m impressed that I did the dance but not happy with my appearance. I know you would have been honest and agreed. I think I want to do a bigger dance. What do you think? I still think we could have had fun doing this. especially because I keep getting yelled at about trying to lead.

7/6/2022 – Been a while since I wrote in this journal. Life still sucks. Have you been watching me dance? I can imagine your smirk at me trying to get me to giggle. I know you would be proud but I wish you were sitting there. I’m trying to move on but days like today suck. Just when I think I’m OK – Shit hits the fan. Wendy says I’m getting better and that these moments are ok but I need you not the moments of memories. I hate this. Please remind me you are watching.

7/31/2022 – So another month – coming up on the last of my firsts – losing you. I’m working on a Van Halen dance routine. What do you think? You know I always need something to plan and obsess over. I’m enjoying dance and Wendy says they are my support system. I was even asked to go out with other students. Maybe I can make friends. I wish you would pop into a dream. I miss you. If I knew we could be happy together I would join you. I miss you so very much.

PS So what do you think about the whole Mrs Robinson? I know I’ve always had old guys on the list (Bill Shatner still hasn’t returned my calls) but hey – maybe my tastes change. I can’t have you back so what is wrong with someone like you? When I meet someone so similar to you and the fun we had when dating – it is hard not to become attached. At least I know my heart still works and isn’t entirely broken. Can you let me know it is ok to have close physical contact with Christoph (name changed)? I’ve only been with you and it is uncomfortable getting close to someone but if I want to dance I don’t have a choice. Could you maybe channel a hug through him for me? I wish it was you I was dancing with. I miss holding your hand. I love you. Come back.

8/5/2022 – still dancing but Katt has to deal with meltdowns practically everyday when I head home. I cry on my way there and I cry on my way home. We are missing so much together and it sucks.

8/11/2022 – Got my hug. I could almost imagine it was your arms that were holding me. It was nice to be held even for a minute. God I miss your hugs. For a kid he is pretty smart. We’ve had some heart to hearts and I pretty much was a puddle on the floor but he has helped me come up with a plan.

1. Get through the next two months as well as I can.

2. Perform the hell out of my routine in October.

3. Make it to showcase.

I would still join you if I knew we would be together in the after. Can you please remind me you are around. I want one last snuggle in bed with you. Shit – meltdown. I love you so much.

9/19/2022 – Another month and I’m still here. Made Jack Daniels and fireball cupcakes for your birthday and took them to the studio. Sent you over Chittenango Falls Friday. Per your request. You will laugh when you watch the original video – I have no tact at all. I’m going to add the pictures to a Dream Theater song – yes you heard right – Dream Theater. I think the song is “The Spirit Carries On” Saw Clerks 3 with Katt and Ryan – should have researched it first – It was NOT Clerks 2. Dante had similar meltdowns to me and then died at the end. His feelings and words and watching him on a vent and pass was so on point to what I feel and saw that night. I couldn’t stop crying – poor Katt she was so supportive.

Took you for a ride with Don from the band. Maybe I should take up riding again.

POTENTIAL TRIGGERS

I have decreed tomorrow as Hell Day – it was the day you were admitted and never came home to me. I’ve talked to people and from messages you were sending I think you were done on the 5th. Not sure why you held on until the 8th. I still want one more I love you – one more snuggle – Is it selfish to still want to be with you? I don’t think I would ever do something on purpose but I really don’t care if I don’t wake up tomorrow if it means I’m with you. I can’t imagine a life without you and I don’t want to be without you. And I love you and need you and want to kiss you and WHAT THE FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK. Why did you leave me? I’m going before I spiral to much and can’t get back. I love you please let me know you are still with me.

10/3/2022 – Almost a fuckin’ year. WTF. Of course mom is having a fit saying I need to move on…you aren’t coming back…Do people think I don’t know that? I wake up every damn day alone in that bed – a spot that should be warm and fuzzy is now empty. I lose you every goddamn time I wake up – it never ends and I’m tired of people telling me to get over it. Who can honestly think it will be ok when you experience the worse part of your life every DAMN DAY…..I don’t like this darkness.

Katt has been so supportive – you would be proud. She has turned into the adult. She deals with middle of the night crying and screams – she has never lost her temper with me – is always patient and will talk me through this hell no matter what she is doing. How did we raise such an awesome kid?

10/5/2022 – Almost routine time and I can’t get it right. I keep fucking it up – I know the instructor is getting frustrated with me but this needs to be perfect. It should be you dancing with me – you holding me – you laughing when I trip…..Then I find out you were saying good bye to people but I didn’t get a good bye. Wendy says it is because you didn’t want to admit to me that you were leaving to protect me. I would give anything for a final I love you – I want to hear it – feel it – screw the damn signs. Get your ass back here.

10/8/2022 – Routine went well. Outwardly I have come a long way – internally I am the same broken person but I’ve learned that I need to give the impression of being ok or it makes other people uncomfortable. I am going to fake it until I make it or die (is that to much to ask) trying. I have decided outwardly – I will be what everyone wants to see but inside – I am a broken mess who hates her life and wants nothing more than to see her husband again. No matter what it takes.